The Mummy--a Fictional, Metaphoric Tall Tale*

A rhetorical:  If the mummy is one step from walking off the cliff----is it necessary to get behind such a creature and push?

As the mummy marched onward toward a cliff that was actually soon to become a caldera encircling a presently red-hot, erupting, and lava-laden volcano--unaware the cliff was approaching becase this same creature was sleepwalking--- one observer who had contempt for the mummy exclaimed--"Someone should get behind it and push!" to which one bystander said "Yeah!--push It!"  Others watched with interest and curiosity and did not intervene--neither to save the mummy nor to hasten his destruction.  Soon large groups of onlookers gathered to watch.

Some who were favorable to the mummy attempted to prevent the walk toward destruction by standing in front of the creature's path--desperately pleading with the monster who ignored their cries while subsequently walking over them.  

One particularly vituperative mummy loyalist, who  himself was an odd looking sort, short and with bulging eyes-------- talking incessantly and running around nonsensically---- tried to push the mummy away from the course leading to the lava pit to save him.   The mummy, apparently not realizing this individual was a supporter trying to help--nevertheless dispatched this odd, short, man spectacularly.  In a deep, resonating, roar--the Mummy screeched "Fly to the Sun--heathen!"  at which point the odd looking, diminutive fellow flew quickly upward--screaming "But I love you, mummy!!!!"  as he accelerated toward the heavens.  Some in the crowd thought they heard this poor-soul's eyes pop out like Champaign Corks as he rapidly disappeard from view,  climing higher and higher into the sky toward his eventual rendezvous with the sun.

Without much care for the disappearing, flying short man--others in the crowd quickly shifted focus back to their ally the mummy---they remained greatly concerned about the mummy's fate.

Some of them said "Don't worry, he won't walk off the cliff--he will wake up before he takes the last step or he'll be saved as usual before that happens!"  

Others looked on and wept and sobbed, murmuring "The mummy is not bad, he didn't mean to kill the

Pimp & Twits Part I: Croc Goes Ballistic! (a *Parody)

The Setup:

A long time ago, in the sleepy, swampy southern Florida town of Patronville, our protagonist, Croc (also frequently and affectionately known as "Pimp" for the special way he treats his acquaintences, business partners and friends) sits alone in his darkened office overlooking the bay.  He recently returned from a disastrous trip to Belize where an experimental anti-aging and cosmetic procedure that was supposed to cut 30 years off of his appearance and add 50 years of longevity to his lifespan went horribly, badly wrong.  Instead of the machine utilizing the DNA of the crocodile to accomplish this miracle feat--the scientist at the controls made an error which left our character disfigured;  he came out of the chamber a crocadile/human hybrid (not unlike Jeff Goldblum in "The Fly"--except worse... ) Upon returning to Patronville--he was assured by his loyal, obsequious assistants Maya and Phaedra, that he didn't "look that bad....."  So being in a sullen, saddend state due to his reptillian appearance, his anger suddenly intensifies......As he reads an article on an unrelated topic in the Patronville Observer Sentinal ("POS", for short) , he realizes that yes-- to his utter anger and dismay--- that he, himself, personally, has been mentioned in an unflattering light in an unrelated article written by Andy, a dimwitted, untalented writer on the "POS" staff.

PIMP: (Yelling)   Phaedra!!! Maya!!!

PHAEDRA AND MAYA IN UNISON:  "Yes sir, how can we serve you, how can we make your day outstanding, meaningful, and fantastic sir!"

PIMP: "Get me the POS's  Lisa on the @#$$%%& phone right now!!!"

PHAEDRA AND MAYA IN UNISON:  "Yes sir!!"

PIMP: "Do it now @##$$%%%  why are you standing there looking dumb!!!"

(---speakerphone on the desk rings......ring,   ring,  ring,)    

LISA--(through the speakerphone:)  "It's a great day at the P-O-S--how can I help......"

PIMP: --cutting her off  "It's me, Croc--cut the #$%&.  Why the #$%&*  F*&% is my name in your POS paper today?!?!?  What is that #$%%&* Andy thinking?? We know he's a dimwitted idot--but what is this??  And why the #$%& would you allow that??!!

LISA:  "Sorry sir, we're just trying to..."

PIMP: --cutting her off  "I don't give a #$%& what your're trying to do, I don't care what you think, and I don't want to EVER see my name in any unflattering negative light ever--in your POS paper.  Do you understand me?  NEVER!!  You know that, we have discussed this many times.  Never me, never negative, only positive!!  What the #$%& Lisa??

LISA:  "Sorry sir, but..."

PIMP: --cutting her off  "Just shut up.  Nothing you say means anything, I've told you that.  Don't you #$$%&* make me come down there, don't make me do it!!  It is almost 3:00--you know what happens at 3:00--- and I will be down there and you don't want that, understand me??"  

LISA:  "Sorry sir, terribly sorry....no, don't come down, please, let me manage this sir.  I am a POSemployee, and Andy is a POS employee, so technically...."

PIMP: --cutting her off  " You are both POS employeess, but don't forget the money I spend with your

When the Head-Waiter Runs the Restaurant.........Part II: "From Retaliation to Vindication--The Closed Office Door and the Internal Report's Release"

"I am in charge!!" shrieks the Head Waiter at a posh restaurant.  In actuality, he is simply an employee of the restaurant.  As a practical reality, however, perhaps the head waiter does, indeed, run the restaurant.....

Note:  This series is based upon a fictional account of an antisocial, smug restaurant "head waiter" employee that has hijacked and paralyzed an entire fictional restaurant and its staff with his antics and histrionics-jeopardizing profitability, stigmatizing certain employees, and destroying morale among the waitstaff.  The below account is fictional, an account based largely upon the author's imagined scenarios and circumstances combined with his experience working in and owning restaurants; any resemblance or similarity with any person or other entity, living or dead, whatsoever, is purely and simply coincidental....................................................................................

Part II: "From Retaliation to Vindication--The Closed Office Door and the Internal Report's  Release"

This is a story about a series of unfortunate incidents at a well-regarded, very fine French Restaurant in Escambia County known as "Chez Pretentieuse."   As discussed in Part I, many patrons of this establishment had questioned who was actually in charge of the restaurant as morale at the long-established, well-regarded dinner house began to rapidly decline.  

A departing Area Manager brought in a new head waiter in 2018, and at first many of the staff members thought this was going to be a good thing.  One staffer in particular that was an early supporter stated "I thought the new head waiter would be a good thing, with a fresh perspective on service, and recipes, and overall operations."  He continued, "Slowly, though, I realized this was not the case.  It became obvious that the new head waiter came into the restaurant with a preconceived agenda and an axe to grind.  He was picking favorites that kowtowed to his every whim and anyone that disagreed on any aspect of the restaurant service protocols and procedures was immediately made into a pariah.  What amazed me the most--the head waiter's initial 'open door' policy attitude quickly devolved into a 'closed door' demeanor.  I mean, the office door was closed most of the days-- and it appeared that paranoia seemed to be setting in, that's the way I saw it."

Several members of the waitstaff loudly complained to the area manager and the site general manager.  "We're no longer having training sessions, and we are not getting good guidance anymore!"  Others complained of the gossip being spread..."We were asked questions by the head waiter that seemed inappropriate--we were asked our opinions about our fellow waiters and other restaurant employees--including management-- by the new head waiter---It just didn't seem right--so we reported it to the Site General Manager" said one waiter, who continued, "We love working here, serving the public, and doing our jobs--we don't want the unnecessary DRAMA!'

Soon, the restaurant devolved into factions.  Customer service and operational efficiency were the real casualties of this turn of events.   Those employees that supported the new head waiter, and those that did not, became divided.   Soon, multiple employees filed complaints against the new head waiter.  Instead of waiting for the results or answering the complaints, the new head waiter filed counter complaints AND state

When the Head-Waiter Runs the Restaurant.........Part I: "Who is in Charge?"

"I am in charge!!" shrieks the Head Waiter at a posh restaurant.  In actuality, he is simply an employee of the restaurant.  As a practical reality, however, perhaps the head waiter does, indeed, run the restaurant.....

Note:  This series is based upon a fictional account of an antisocial, smug restaurant "head waiter" employee that has hijacked and paralyzed an entire fictional restaurant and its staff with his antics and histrionics-jeopardizing profitability, stigmatizing certain employees, and destroying morale among the waitstaff.  The below account is fictional, an account based largely upon the author's imagined scenarios and circumstances combined with his experience working in and owning restaurants; any resemblance or similarity with any person or other entity, living or dead, whatsoever, is purely and simply coincidental....................................................................................


Part I:  Who Runs This Place?

This is a story about a series of unfortunate incidents at a well-regarded, very fine French Restaurant in Escambia known as "Chez Pretentieuse."  Like many restaurants, it had a hierarchy of super talented extremely dedicated employees, supervisors, shift managers, directors, business managers, site managers, auditors, accountants, head waiters, waiters, food runners, bus boys, chefs, sous chefs, line cooks, valets, parking lot attendants, restroom attendants, and hosts and maitre D's. Because it was a publicly traded business--the actual owners of the restaurant were the members of the public, the shareholders.  Many customers were privately confounded by the massive numbers of employees.  Some regulars would often quip "This restaurant staffing looks like a government bureaucracy--no wonder the price is so high and the service is so slow!"  But they came back again and again because the food was good and in many respects Chez had a monopoly of sorts in the area.

"Who is in charge of the restaurant--who actually calls the shots, Who Runs this Place?"  Some customers and others would often ask whenever the occasion would arise where something was askew at the restaurant.  And this was always a tough one to answer.  But the best explanation would often go something like this:  "Chez is owned by the people, policy is created and overseen by the Board of Directors,  Operations are managed by the Area Manager who supervises the Site General Manager.  The Head Waiter is an employee of the Site General Manager but he, the Head Waiter, supervises the waitstaff (and they shall operate strictly on the state health license and permit of this Head Waiter), but the overall operation is a public corporation, publicly traded and owned!

Although "Chez" was very well regarded, over the last several years some concerning circumstances came to light and area management decided to make various personnel changes to keep the

PAC's ARE TERRIBLE!!!! (Unless They Are Supporting Our Guy!)

According to some finger wagging groups, PACs are bad if they support candidates they don't like.  Or if they are funded by people they don't like.  But do the finger waggers hold their own favorite candidates to this same standard?  (Answer: NO)

Two years ago I was in the thick of the campaign, a really tough one, with two determined opponents.

I worked hard, they worked hard.  I was fortunate that I enjoyed a lot of support due to my work on the school board and due to the fact that I went to 8,634 homes door to door.  That helped a lot.

I was also fortunate in that a group of businessmen that supported my campaign independently set up and funded a PAC (Political Action Committee) to support my campaign and that PAC did some advertising that really helped me in my election.  I was happy that  this PAC only did positive, upbeat ads and I saw not one negative ad from the PAC that supported me.  And I won my election handily.

But negative campaigning is not illegal, and it is very common.

Look no further than the Governor's race and the Senate Race.  One negative ad after another, one by one.  In politics, it is part of it.

Which is why it was especially interesting to hear another local candidate, one that spoke forcefully against PACs during my election two years ago, now apparently has a PAC supporting his own campaign.  Wow!?!  Well, well, well.  It's funny how things change-- and I guess back then, PACs = BAD.  But now, when polls are not looking so hot, PACs= GOOD?!?  (another thing I learned during my election was that these polls done by auto-dialer are actually SPOT-ON when taken over time and averaged-out!)  It will be interesting to watch as the next series of polls come out--it will be interesting to watch what they show.  I also saw, in my election,  that trends, over time, were vitally important to watch (e.g. is a lead widening, significantly in the stretch?)

I ran 6 of these polls during my last race and they were accurate.

I think there will be some sleepless nights for some in the next few weeks, because yes, Gravis polls I did are and were "Spot-On!"

So I wonder if the PNJ will do a story or another cartoon on this interesting turn of events?

Remember, according to the PNJ and Escambia Citizens Watch (who attacked me viciously because there was a PAC that supported me)

PAC's ARE TERRIBLE!!!!! (Unless They Are Supporting Our Guy!)  

Probably not going to get another newspaper article.  Escambia Citizen's Watch will probably now do a 180 and support PACs.  How funny.

Luckily, there was recently a cartoon drawn blasting one local PAC.  Now that both candidates in that race officially have PAC's supporting their campaigns--I think it's time for some.........Drumroll.........Marlette Manipulation.

This cartoon has been altered to reflect the reality of the situation as it relates to PACs in at least one local race

As I've done multiple times previously--I take a cartoon drawn for one purpose, and I use it for a different one.  It is all in good fun.  It's all just a parody  :)