Boss Hogg Thinks the Superintendent Should Resign, Too! Dadgummitt! (A Parody)

Look a here, boy, I'll give you 5 good reasons why you'all need an elected leader like me for your schools!

Retired Hazzard County “Sole Commissioner” Boss Hogg liked being in charge.  He liked having a hand in everything that happened.  He also was known to “look the other way” when necessary to protect his interests (financial, image, power, and otherwise).  Most of all, he loved the fact that he only had to win an election every four years to maintain his power.   And despite the ups and downs of the quality of life in Hazzard County—which could be downright third-worldish--people still liked Boss anyway because he could use his “bully-pulpit” and his “power” to always find someone else to blame the county’s problems on—while simultaneously absolving himself of ANY responsibility.  He could and DID direct lucrative county contracts to wealthy Hazard business owners and elites and his buddies to curry favor with them. And it worked.  Hazzard county remained hopelessly mediocre. But Boss Hogg did just fine and got rich anyway—and re-elected 14 times!

Problems, crime, corruption, lingering poverty, moonshiners, drag racing, drug running-- Boss Hogg didn’t care as long as he was in on the cut of the action and could never be “implicated”.  He would not share his power, either---no, no, no sir--and he never did like the pesky interference of those Duke boys, Bo and Luke, who may not have been perfect angels, but loved Hazard County and wanted it to be the best it could be for the citizens.

So, I recently had the opportunity to speak with the retired Hazzard County Commissioner, Boss Hogg, about the goings-on at the Escambia County School District down here in Florida---and I wondered what Boss Hogg would think of the brew ha ha festering over the appointed versus elected superintendent issue here—along with the calls for the current superintendent, Dr. Tim Smith,  to resign. (Hogg only retired upon suffering a massive stroke and heart attack simultaneously which prevented him from running for his 15^th term in office….)

  “Well let me tell you right now, boy, you’all made a HUGE mistake down there going from elected to appointed—that was your first problem!”  He continued, between puffs of his cigar.  “I mean, no wonder everyone wants this guy Tim Smith to quit.  He wasn’t elected by the people, boy, and even though he is professional, has experience in this school business stuff, looks the part, loves kids and teachers, and has fancy-schmancy education credentials—I think it’s better to elect the superintendent locally—because knowing the area and who the players are in the local business community is more important than any stinkin’  credentials, experience, or college degree, boy!”

When asked to list the reasons why the elected superintendent is the way to go for Escambia County, Hogg opened up like a North Georgia Frog-strangler downpour.  He took a long draw from his fat cigar, inhaled two donuts simultaneously, gulped a big sip of sweet tea from his tumbler, leaned forward, and let loose.

1.        “NUMBER 1---Listen here—when you elect someone local-like—you get someone you know, someone who will make sure other local people he likes gets all the good jobs and contracts—it don’t have to be all about fancy-schmancy diplomas and degrees, boy.”  And, once someone like me gets the “right” people into the good jobs and big contracts—they can be controlled by me because they “owe me” boy!  You see what I’m saying?  “You can put them employees on one year contracts, make them ask permission to speak at meetings, humiliate them,intimidate them, mistreat them, and even make them contribute to your re-election campaign, boy!  It’s a perfect set up—they work for you, they owe you, so come election time they are on team Boss Hogg, boy!” He continued: "Best of all--when you are elected you can hire a stooge that kisses your ring to be your 'investigator' to trump up charges and make stuff up to get rid of those pesky employees that you don't like!  and the stinkin' school board can't do nothing to stop you, boy, cause they don't even know what your're doing!" He concluded as he chuckled loudly and then belched...

2.       “NUMBER 2---I know, I know—being a fancy-schmancy school superintendent---it’s different than being a sole commissioner in Hazzard County Georgia—because when you are the superintendent in Escambia County--you have that elected school board thing that kind of takes away your power and gets in your way---especially if you’re not “elected.”   “But look a here:  If you are elected it is better, because you can listen to that pesky school board and what they say, act like you care, tell them you will do something--- then do the exact opposite anyway!!—and that stinkin’ school board can’t touch you for it—cause you’re elected!  If you’re appointed, you have to be nice and polite and actually work or else they can FIRE YOU!  BORING!!

3.       “NUMBER 3---Boy, let me tell you something.  If you ain’t strong and elected as a superintendent—the school board can actually add things to the agenda that you don’t agree with!  No, no, no—being elected is better because then you can tell the school board to talk to the hand and block their items from the agenda and say something like ‘I ain’t adding your stinkin’ item to my agenda because to do that would lead people to think I support what you are bringing—and I DON’T’!! now run along, shoo..”  The other neat trick you can use is NEVER telling them stinkin' school board members about serious issues like with charter schools stealing and not following their contracts and violating student safety  and such, and discipline policy not being followed, or misconduct.  No, no, no.  That bad press could hurt the next election, so when you are elected you guard that information and shape the message, boy—and NEVER tell the stinkin’ school board nothin'--- or else they might start askin too many darn questions and cause a ruckus in the press, boy!!

Boss Hogg liked having ALL the power and all the donuts, too....

4.   “NUMBER 4---Now look a here, when you are elected you can raise a lot of money—trust me” he chuckled as he pointed to his rings and his all-white custom suit. “This stuff is expensive boy, you know what I’m saying, here?”  He continued.  "When you have an elected superintendent—his buddies the roofers and floor coverers and plumbers and the framers and the air-conditioner men, and the painters can get a lot of work— and they will!!!  Then they can fund his campaign account every 4 years—and they will, boy, trust me on that—because that’s how that works--they scratch my back, I scratch theirs!" He said through a sip of his sweet tea, as he demolished donuts one after the other and took another long puff of his fat cigar.  “Look here now, when you are boring-old appointed superintendent—you don’t care about elections, and purchasing services and contracts boy, you only care about the work and staff and the school board makes those other decisions—and let me just tell you right now—that is boring!!  Ya see cause when you’re elected you get to control people in the system, the money,

their positions, and the politics of the job—that’s how that works, boy. You put yourself and your 'Year to Year' contract underlings on the selection boards so the contracts always go to who you want them to go to, boy!!  It's foolproof!  Look a here:  So you don’t like the stinkin’ school board?—when you are elected you can support opponents to those pesky school board members you don’t like--even write checks to 'em--- and make endorsements to the opponents of sitting board members—or you could support the ones that you do like and will ‘work with you’ on stuff—you can help them raise lots of campaign money boy, help them get elected and re-elected over and over, and then you have even more power, boy!  Appointed superintendents don’t get into the politics and fundraising for elections—which makes them BORING, boy   and I DON'T do BORING!”

5.       “NUMBER 5---Now just sit down here and looky here, boy.  Hazzard county was great because we had a unique system of governing—with one commissioner, a sole commissioner, and it was ME, boy!”  Now, don’t you pay no never mind to the fact that we in north Georgia are unique in that system, boy.  We know all the rest of those 49 other states and fancy-schmancy counties think having multiple commissioners and sharing power is better.  You see we are unique, boy, and I think we are better for it—Hazzard County--well even though our county never kept up with the times and we still have LOTs of problems---those things were NOT my fault!  It’s those pesky locals askin too many questions and never enough money from the state—that’s the problem, boy!  Now, I know that the elected superintendent job in Escambia county could be kind of like the sole commissioner job—very rare and only practiced in 2 states in the country—but like I just told, you, boy—that means it’s better!!!—it’s unique, boy! He concluded with a dry laugh and a sip of sweet tea.  "Never give up your right to vote in someone like me, boy—never give up your right to vote--that's what you tell them and they will go back to the right system---ELECTING SUPERINTENDENTS!!!" He stated as he laughed uncontrollably and walked out of the room to his waiting, idling white Cadillac convertible….

T        

****This story is a work of fiction and parody;  any resemblence to any human being, live or dead, or actual events or circumstances-- is simply and purely a conincidence (well, mostly it is).  Boss Hogg is not real, Hazzard County is a fictional place, and no animals were harmed in the creation of this satirical parody....